Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.