Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
relationship goals