Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
<—- homeless romantic
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
The government even made aliens boring
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.