Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Blew my mind.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?