True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
this has to be peak English
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’