3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
This fish is cracking me up
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.