[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
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I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming