Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
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It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!