My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard