Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
thanksgiving in nutshell
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.