Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
You Might Also Like
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
2022 will be better than 2021
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
how to have fun when you’re poor
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?