A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
he looks great for his age
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
absolute chaos
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Bring back the McRib
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.