I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
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Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.