Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
😜
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
WTF