Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree