half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop