“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
You Might Also Like
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes