If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
japanese corn
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.