Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
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I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time