[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Cake!!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!