“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
You Might Also Like
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence