Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I wish this was real life…
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
White Castle for the Win
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.