Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking