Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
😲 WTF? 😆
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.