You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
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Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Saturday
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store