Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Good advice.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn