That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
You Might Also Like
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Breaking news:
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My horoscope said I should kiss you today