I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
this is the news I live for
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it