I hope this email finds you in a well
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Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again