The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Most fashion shows these days…
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.