i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Not all heroes wear capes…
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.