BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
was Jim off killing horses or…
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell