Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”