You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.