I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
You Might Also Like
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Free him
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!