I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
lmfao come on
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.