[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?