What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress