snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?