Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3