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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”