What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
CUTE CAT‼︎
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.