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[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
🤭😂
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.