You Might Also Like
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
when nothing goes right… go left
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?