I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.