*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Cinematography is my passion
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.