My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
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9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
When he asks for feet pics
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me irl