So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Yes
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.