(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”