Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
welp
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“you recording!?”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok